“This is by far the most fun wedding anniversary I’ve ever had,” I shout, finishing a shot of tequila. With a bang, I set it on the bar and signal to the bartender to give me another one. Leon, my French fling, comes up beside me and clears his throat. I look at him, smiling hopelessly. “Are you okay, honey?” Photo from Bunny.

He puts a hand on my shoulder and gently squeezes it. “Yeah fine, couldn’t be better,” I respond. I shake my head and grab the new glass of tequila, hoping it will put me out of my misery. I don’t sound good and certainly don’t look good. My carefree existence has taken a huge hit and I am distraught. “You’re drunk,” Leon says.

With my cloudy gaze, I look at him. I smile cheerfully and point at him. “That’s none of your business.” Then I turn to the two women standing next to me at the bar. “Stay far enough away from this man here, he destroys marriages.” Giggling, I slap a hand in front of my mouth. “Oopsie,” I say.
“Come,” Leon growls. He grabs the shot from my hand and sets it back on the bar.

“Hey, where does that glass go? Here, glass, come back to boss.”
“Stop it!” responds Leon annoyed. He is starting to get angry.
“Ho ho, not so surly, little guy.” I jump up, but I stagger a little and hit the bar with my hip. Leon grabs me to keep me upright.

“I get weird every time you touch me.” I start shaking. “Weird?” “How would you describe it?” I ask defiantly. I pull my arm free, but he quickly grabs me again. “Come, I’ll take you to bed.” Leon wraps an arm around me and pushes me toward the hotel. “No, I’m not going with you. I’m thirsty. I want another drink!” I break free and fall against a small table.

“Stop that” Leon warns. I snort little attractively and raise my middle finger at him. “Now that’s enough!” He drags me with him, out of the bar. “No, I don’t want to!” I growl. I extend my arm to slap Leon. Clumsily, my arm shoots out, but I miss his cheek completely. As I lose my balance again, Leon lifts me up and throws me over his shoulder. “Then this way.” I flounder and try to squirm free, but Leon is stronger than I am. “I hate you! I. Hate. You.” I scream.

When we arrive at my hotel room, – I moved all my things back to my own room the previous afternoon – Leon sets me down. He watches patiently, as I take the magnetic card from the door out of my pocket with a trembling hand. I try to hold it against the scanner, but even that fails me. I close one eye and concentrate on the target, but I only hit the handle of the door. “Sesame open you,” I say with double tongue. I try to concentrate so much that my tongue hangs out of my mouth. “That’s not very smooth, is it?”

I laugh happily. Leon pushes me aside, grabs the ticket from me and opens the door. Then he grabs me again and pushes me into the room, toward the bed. I start writhing to break free. “Let go of me!” I start flailing my arms, but it’s no use. “Stop it,” Leon says and pushes my butt down on the bed. Less than a second later, I’m already scrambling to my feet and standing right in front of him. His beautiful countenance makes me even more giddy. I am a wreck. Sad and pathetic.

My stomach turns and the tequila rises to the surface. Oh no. I race past Leon on toward the bathroom. I bang into everything, but nevertheless manage to reach the toilet bowl just in time. I throw my head forward and vomit loudly. I go completely limp and cling to the bowl. I feel fingers go through my hair and hold it back. A warm hand slides down my back. I rest my head on my arms and close my eyes.

When I open them again, I am lying in bed. My head is pounding and my body aches when I try to move. My mouth is drier than the driest desert. This is a firm hangover, perhaps the worst I have ever experienced. I groan and try to stretch. I turn my head and see a glass of water with two pills next to it waiting for me on the bedside table. Frowning, I sit up a little straighter. I try to think about what happened. Oh my god. I cautiously look over my shoulder. What lies there in my bed gives me a heart attack. I shoot upright and immediately grab my head, afraid it will explode otherwise.

Shuddering, I let myself fall backward again. “Leon,” I groan and stretch my leg to kick him awake. What have I done? Leon moves for a moment, but remains asleep. I stare at his naked body and cock. “Leon!” I shout. His eyelashes twitch and then he opens his eyes. “Good morning, princess,” he says in a husky voice. “What are you doing here?” I ask as I begin to panic. “Why I have your dry sperm on my leg” “We had sex.” Leon stretches out his hand and places it on my bare hip. “How are you feeling?”

Only now do I notice that I have no clothes on either. Oh god, tell me that’s not true. “We didn’t… did we?” I try my hardest to remember anything. “Please tell me we didn’t do anything.” “No,” Leon replies softly. I heave a sigh of relief.
“What happened?”
“You were drunk.”
“And so you decided to take advantage of it and crawl into bed with me?”
“That’s really not how it happened, you want it.”
“Why am I naked and did you fuck me?”
“You were going to give the bartender a goodnight kiss. I only just managed to stop you, but not without promising to strip for you. And yes, I had a great fuck.”

“Oh God,” I moan softly. I turn and stand up. I’ve heard enough. For a moment, I have to hold my breath to avoid throwing up. Then I walk to the bathroom and hold my head under the faucet for a drink. “Now get out, Leon,” I shout. The latter comes into the bathroom. He grabs my wrist. “Don’t be so distant. I don’t deserve that.” I jerk my arm free and clamp my jaws firmly together. “Scram.” My furious look probably says enough. Leon flinches startled. I slam the bathroom door right in front of his face and lock it. I turn on the shower, step under the hot jet of water and scrub the smell of alcohol off me. Meanwhile, all sorts of thoughts shoot through my head.

As I try to think about what to do, I grab a towel from the rack and dry myself off. I listen for a moment to see if I hear any sounds on the other side of the bathroom door, but I hear nothing. Relieved, I open the door. Until I see Leon sitting on the bed. He just sits there, no facial expression, not moving. “Fuck off!” I shout in disbelief. “No,” he replies confidently. He stands up and comes over to me. Gently he grabs my head with one hand. “I can’t live without you,” he whispers and then he gently kisses my lips. I am lost. All my worries are suddenly forgotten. I am once again in that special place, that pink cloud where passion and desire cloud everything.

And then, suddenly, I see Kristof’s face in front of me. I scream and push Leon away from me. “No,” I bark at him. “Go away.” “please,” Leon begs. “I don’t want you!” I respond. I grab his clothes off the ground and toss them in his direction. He lets the clothes hit him, making no effort to avoid them. “Stop listening to what your head wants and listen to your heart,” he says.
“My heart says to stop this.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Leon storms forward and grabs me. “Please let go of me. We have to stop this and forget what happened. It’s as simple as that.”
“Simple?” ask Leon bewildered. “Really? Then why does it hurt so much every time I think I’ll never see you again? Explain that.” I begin to shake my head. My cheeks are getting wet with tears.
“Stop it,” I moan.
“I can’t.”
“What happened was a mistake.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I really do.”

Leon flinches, his face full of dejection. He stares at me for at least a minute. It feels uncomfortable. Realization dawns on him. Realization that it’s over. With sad eyes, he takes another step backward and lets his shoulders droop. He begins to put on his clothes. “You’re sorry about what happened between us,” he says softly. What am I supposed to answer that? Of course, I’m not sorry. I want him, more than is ever possible. But there is no future for us. I have to break away from him, cut him out of my life, before it hurts even more mentally and physically. By giving in to my true feelings, I only increase the pain for both of us. Looking into his hurt eyes, then, I can feel a lot of regret. I nod gently.

Leon turns and as he puts on his T-shirt, he storms out of the room. I slowly lower myself along the wall against the floor. My stomach shrinks and tears press behind my eyes. The feeling of connection and bliss is gone in an instant. In its place is a huge chasm between the two of us. Maybe this is for the best. It helps me focus on what really matters: trying to save my marriage. To the extent that that is still possible. Only, I can’t get the feeling out of my head that I’ve been terribly abusive to Leon. I had hoped that we could end all this in a better way, that we could part as friends and cherish what we had experienced together. Only that hope seems unattainable.

I drag myself up, sobbing incessantly, and stumble to the door, my vision clouded by tears. I run up the hallway, out the door. Desperately, I look around, until I see him walking. “Leon!” I shout. He looks back. I sprint toward him, barefoot, with only a towel wrapped around me. Leon looks at me silently. I begin to rattle. “Wait a minute … I … I don’t want us to break up like this. I don’t want you to be mad at me. You know… I never meant to hurt you.

You have to believe that.” When I next look into Leon’s eyes, I see that the dullness of his eyes has given way to a little sparkle. He grabs my hand and his fingers nestle gently around mine. The touch causes a jolt in my body and for a moment I am reminded of our intertwined bodies, our mouths kissing each other wildly and our moans echoing through the room. I lose myself in these thoughts and relive everything we have experienced over the past few days. I feel paralyzed all over again. It’s as if my body and mind have been taken over by desire. “You feel it to, don’t you? That magic that exists between us?” whispers Leon. For a moment, I cannot speak or move.

Then, startled, I withdraw my hand. I have to get out of here before my desire takes over. Before I collapse under the pressure of my emotional struggle. It would be much easier to throw myself back into his arms. To forget everything for a moment. “What’s wrong?” “We have to stop this. I have to go back to Belgium. I have to talk to Kristof. I need to know if my marriage still has a chance.” Leon’s gaze tightens again. “And will you come back to Mexico after that, or will you disappear from my life forever? Am I second choice?

Some kind of safety net in case things between you and Kristof don’t work out?” “Leon, don’t be like that.” His words hurt me. I am consumed by my feelings. I know I still feel connected to Leon. But right now, I need to hold strong and push through. I need to know where I stand. After that, I’ll see. “That’s reality.” My breathing becomes irregular and shallow as I realize that he is right, and I will probably never see him again. I will never see, hear or feel him again. Never again. Never. My whole world blurs. Never seeing him again … it feels like dying.